I researched literally hundreds of online websites and remedies. I was more than desperate and clutched at every straw I could find. I spent thousands of dollars going to hypnotherapists, acupuncturists, chiropractors, bowen therapists, naturopaths, and about six other therapies that I cannot remember. I prayed. I went on different diets. I detoxed. I prayed. Everything takes three months to work (apparently) and I couldnt get passed two of them before trying something else.
I cried so hard and so silently. I cried so much but would not let my wife or kids know. I learnt how to cry without showing it in my face. Tinnitus was bad enough but to have my wife and kids mourn and grieve for my pain would not help it. It would only spread it. Crying on friend's shouders is some comfort for me. it takes away the loneliness to some degree.
Many of these people I meet have learnt to habituate the tinnitus. They usually have it under control in about two years. I have always been a slow learner and poorly disciplined. I hate myself that I am still on sleeping tablets but I won't beat myself up over it too much. I suppose I have become selfish. I will spend money on myself if it will make me happy and I think "Stuff all those people who don't have tinnitus". Imagine not having tinnitus and being depressed - idiots. I am angry at people who don't have tinnitus and still think they have the right to be depressed about their lives. You don't have tinnitus so you're ok! I see that the reasoning sucks there and my tongue is in my cheek. I'm sure wheel-chaired people are amazed that fully functional walkers can get depressed about stupid things, like their favourite tv shows being cancelled (I am still upset of Angel being cancelled after its 5th season... waaahhhhhhhh).
Tinnitus... pronouced "tin I tuss" or "tin it tiss". I hate it... Ifreaking hate it when I tell a doctor I have 'tin It tuss' and they say...oh "Tinn uh tiss".... or vica versa... sheesh man... it can be pronounced eitherway... most dictionaries pronounce it "tin it us". This is my one pet hate inlife... well, one of them. That and toads... freaking toads.
16 comments:
Well my friend,
We have something in common. I really don't know when I got mine. Maybe it was that dance when I was 14 or landing all those helicopters when I was a Landing Signal Enlisted (LSE) in the military. One thing for sure no one understands until they have it.
I have nothing encouraging to say except that i bought a sleep mate and I love it. I bring it to hotels on vacation and it truely is my friend. Oh yea the other thing that has helped is being saved by Jesus. Knowing that there will not be any of this noise in heaven makes me jump for joy and I have hope. I pray you find the same solutions.
For Him +†+
Dan
Thanks, the sleep mate looks like an item I'm gonna have to buy.
Awesome.
Your feelings are a result of suffering. It's hard to think past the hurt and pain. I'm just recovering from two frozen shoulers, a result of a brutal attack last year. Just starting to get past this and bam:
tinnitus.
I don't know if its temporary or not but I know what I went through trying to get rid of two frozen shoulers. Like you, I spent THOUSANDS; like you, I thought "Wow, she doesn't have FS - her ife is OK"; like you, like you, like you.
I have no doubt God has helped me through this ordeal. Now another ordeal: tinnitus. I don't know how I'm going to handle it, to be honest, but I just "came back" to God this year. Ha Ha Ha. I know. Nevertheless, something deep, real deep (because I can barely feel it) is telling me: trust me anyway. I know the voice is God.
I understand how you feel about God. And why you'd be angry. I see you have another blog about not being a Christian. All I can say is that if you were His before, you still are; nothing you do can change that fact, if you're His.
Up until this year I was, seemingly, healthy. Bad year. Really, really bad year. Every last fiber of my being is being tested. It feels as though I'm walking through horrible darkness, often. I know what you mean about the kind of depression you suffer. It's not the normal chemical type. It's more a circumstantial type where no medicine can help - the aloneness is profound, as is the inner pain.
I'm rambling now. Nothing is by accident I don't think, including me reading your blog. You'll be in my prayers, if you don't mind.
Hi. Thanks for responding.
"nothing you do can change that fact, if you're His."
That's about as 'factual' as Santa Clause, and I'm not angry at god, I just simply don't believe he exists, therefore such anger would be just wasted energy.
"Nothing is by accident I don't think, including me reading your blog. You'll be in my prayers, if you don't mind."
I really must disagree, as politely as I can; there are puh-lenty of accidents. Billions of them every day. Do whatever it is you feel that constitutes 'prayer', it's a nice gesture and sentiment of sorts, but I really really hate the idea of a god who needs people to petition to him for tinnitus when there are children being raped and molested every minute.
Mad world.
Sorry, you'll notice by my other blogs that I have little patience for religious thinking.
As for tinnitus, you just have to learn to live with it... or pray and seek quick fixes for a couple or years until you adapt to it and come to the realisation that you have to learn to live with it.
It's all about habituation and you are NOT being tested. You CAN handle it because millions of other people do... religious or otherwise.
Pete
Hi Pete,
The reason I mentioned the angry with God thing is that you wrote that you were. It's hard to tell when you wrote that post since there are no date stamps. Time has lapsed by - for all I know you wrote that awhile back. Anyway - I respect your choice and views. And you'll have to pardon me if my replies seem disjointed and all over the place - that's about how i feel right now. I have enjoyed your blog and your candid writing. From what I can gather I don't have this tinnitus as bad. Or it hasn't progressed. Who knows. I've always have a very low non bothersome case of it. Too much very loud music. It was bad enough driving a tinny-sounding VW Bug for years and years - add perpetual loud music to that sound. Like a recipe for tinnitus. Not to mention the loud dance clubs.
But now it's cranked up a notch or 4. I was hit on the head with a bottle. No need to get into this story but it wasn't a soft blow or just one. Still, to be able to pin down just one cause of tinnitus...well, I could drive myself nuts that way - and did drive myself NUTS with the whole frozen shoulder ordeal until I realized I was wasting my time. So I don't see myself running around too hard trying to get this fixed.
I'm curious about this habituation thing. It makes sense that focusing on the noises feuls them. But I don't understand how I'm going to habituate or what that means.
Glad you're doing better, btw.
Thanks yeah, my beliefs have yo-yoed over the years and it's difficult to work out what I believe over the whole. Sorry if it sounded like I was snapping.
I'll talk more about habituation later if you're still around.
pete
I can handle a little snapping. I snap enough, myself.
Yeah I'd like to know more, but I don't want to assume you want to talk about it. Sometimes I don't feel like talking and I just want to live.
Hi Pete :)
Long time no catch up :( Hope you are ok, all things considering??
My Tinnitus has been getting worse, and now I have really bad depression also :( I am still on sleeping tablets at night, which does take the edge of it .. at night anyway. Previously I could not get to sleep for weeks because of the noises :(
I have put up a link to your blog in my blog, hope that is ok. I have also passed on your blog link to a couple other sufferers, so they know we arn't alone with this terrible condition :(
Please let me know how you are going ? !
Jules :)
ps.. Jules from facebook.
http://julesangelsa.blogspot.com/search/label/tinnitus
Get some sleep.
I've had one stilnox tablet every night for the last six years... Tinnitus sucks when my sleep gets broken. If I can get at least 5 hours sleep... it's all good.
The sound doesn't worsen. it never does. It's the same now as it was when you discovered it. Exaustion is your enemy in my opinion.
Hugs, Pete
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Hi Pete - thanks for this blog! I was a little curious about tinnitus and you answered some questions for me. I have tinnitus that sounds like a high pitched electrical buzz. I've had it as long as I can remember. I have memories of laying in bed as a young child hearing the buzz. It's always there. I was talking to a friend of mine going through a nursing program. She was talking about tinnitus, and I said - oh, I have that. She said - It must be aweful! But for me, it's always been there. I don't remember it not being there. I hear it all the time. In fact, I concentrate on it like my own personal white noise to help me sleep. To me, it's a comfort. I know it's an odd perspective, but there's my 2 cents.
My mom has tinnitus and I feel so darn bad for her. I just wish she wasn't in pain.
This is great advice. I have been having a rough time ever since I was diagnosed with Tinnitus in Fort Myers, FL.
Thanks for that. Your story can help many other people suffering from tinnitus.
Well written blog. You've done a lot to communicate what those who don't suffer from this can't understand. I've a good friend with tinnitus in Fort Myers FL who's found her way onto a research group there for the condition. We'd probably all know if they'd found anything yet, but they will.
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