God and tinnitus

I had little hope for recovery and three years later I have no hope, but am habituating it better some days. Back then though my God had deserted me. My faith was tried and I failed to fit God into the scenario. I am still angry at God but am not really blaming Him; I mean I don't know if he really exists, and his continuing silence isn't helping him. I am tired of praying. If he's there, he heard me the first time.

Pray in tongues, pray and fast, pray hard, cry out to God, demand of God. Whatever I did, the volume of tinnitus didnl't change. It sux... why did God allow tinnitus... why did he design and allow toads to exist. I'm angry about the toads. I hate tinnitus, toads, traffic lights, terrorists, and many other words starting with the letter T.

I did 'feel' I was partially healed once, during the early tinnitus years... and it felt miraculous. The tinnitus was coupled with vertigo which used to come and go. It was terrible; really really terrible. I couldn't even walk straight during these bouts of vertigo and they would last up to six weeks at a time. Without trying to look like I'm garnering sympathy, I have to admit it was mental and physical agony. After a while, the vertigo stopped. It has not come back in the last three years since that night. That is good because I could not cope with both (my heart goes out to those with meniares desease... I want to hold you all and cry with you and pray with you all)

I do find comfort in thinking this is a learning experience and a challenge. That's what life is.Life's not a song... life is not bliss... life is just this... it's living (Jos Whedon, Spike, Buffy the Vampire slayer). Well, that's a quote from a vampire with no soul. Still, life isn't easy and it's not supposed to be. It isn't all that bad though because there's lots of pretty stuff to look at and pizza to eat.